“Someone had told my parents at an early age that I would have a love marriage. So my parents used to tell me in fear that you should not tarnish our hard-earned respect by doing something like this.” A girl in the Youth in Transition Research was saying. Her parents used to put mental pressure on her by reminding her that they had gone through a lot of bad days, keeping a constant watch on her.
“After going to college, I developed a crush on a boy. I am emotionally involved with him, but he is not ready for any commitment. He doesn't want commitment. Due to this I also do not have any physical relationship with him. On the one hand, I think he might agree if we have a physical relationship. But what is it sure? Sometimes out of frustration I have even tried to end the relationship, break up with him but I just can't. At home, it is difficult to discuss all this. Now I am afraid of what will happen next. But I am preparing myself.”
We have seen that the youth are thinking about whether to have a relationship, if so, what kind of relationship to have, what to name it, how much love-emotional investment, commitment and physical intimacy should be in it, and they are creating various forms of relationships. But the moral framework of the society affects it in every way. It is well known that human elements in any society are attracted to each other. In fact, this attraction is a very necessary thing for the society. Broadly speaking, sexual intercourse with the purity of attraction is an important technique necessary for the life of evolved animals. But in human sex, we know that it is also a happy invention, rather than a mere provision of nature to produce the next generation. For example, individuals of the same sex may be attracted to each other and reject the possibility of having a male and female child. But it is true that this elephant is unacceptable for unmarried young boys and girls in society! A basic, welcome experience in life is considered shallow, dull, ridiculous, or profane.
The word sex means any sexual act. But it is generally taken to mean penetrative intercourse (i.e. the insertion of a penis or other object into the vagina, anus or mouth during sexual intercourse). In today's youth dating parlance, 'fourth base' is considered the top of that hierarchy. When the flag is buried on the fourth base, all the fields are covered! Why does all roundness stop with intercourse? Even in the eyes of the society, unmarried people have sex with each other, so now everything has happened! We hear parents say, “Fear of falling in love and what they will do”. Glimpses of this elephant were also seen frequently in the talk of boys and girls in the research discussion. That is what boys want, girls' modesty is included in it, the 'best value' given to him comes through in his talk. (28% of girls in the survey said that men always want sex.) “He left me after sex, it's a big cheat on me,” said some.
Concepts of 'virginity', secrecy about it, bad opinions of others about a woman who is sexually attractive to a man, undue importance attached to the institution of marriage, the one-to-one relationship between physical intercourse and marriage all come in line. Even today, the concept of vaginal hygiene has not disappeared from our social minds. Perhaps, while trying to understand and live in different types of relationship, a different thought is formed in the mind of the individual, which is more progressive, but still the concepts in the social mind exist, and its pressure is also on the mind of the individual. The young people spoke at great length about this pressure. (10% of boys and girls felt that having sex before marriage makes a girl lose her character.)
Girls feel guilty if they have sex because they are instilled with the feeling that consenting to sex means giving up everything. It is clear that the perception given by society is behind the creation of this feeling. One said, “These ideas are supported differently by children. They think, once this nod is given, the girl is hooked. Even if it is in her heart now, she will not leave her, she will maintain a relationship that is not compatible, she will tolerate violence on occasion, she will get her together.
“Both of us are opposed to our marriage at home. We both decided long ago that no matter what happens, we would get the nod of the family. We are trying hard for that. We are earning money by doing jobs, thinking that if we stand on our own feet, it will be easier to get family approval. But my partner has to go to another town for work. During this time, our meetings became less and less, and now I feel like his nature has changed. Sometimes I feel that all these problems, insults from his family and our quarrels, should be left behind. If we had not become physical, I might have been able to leave the relationship. But if I leave this relationship now, it will be very difficult for me to get married again.”
This means that the decision whether to continue the relationship or not also revolves around the issue of vaginal intercourse. How will any other man accept a woman who has previously had a relationship with another man as the reason for not getting married? It is very important to change this mindset that treats women as objects. (50% of the boys and girls in the study felt it was difficult to end the relationship after having sex.)
One said, “When my partner and I started our relationship, there were some legal issues left over from the partner's previous marriage, divorce. So, my friends advised that whatever else you do before his divorce is finalized, but don't go too far." There was no need to explain what was meant by far.
One question seems to come up again and again. It is clear from society's point of view that although pre-marital sex is voluntary, it is primarily the girl's responsibility. In the story of Adam and Eve, Eve becomes a sinner by helping Adam eat the forbidden fruit. These indications of morality seem to have been created to protect people from the mistake of 'sex' in practice. Therefore, it becomes a difficult, if not impossible, task to decide about sex, its pleasure and happiness, whether the decisions we understand and care about, whether we do not take them under any pressure or not. There is also a strong debate about keeping teenagers out of the discussion.
Control over the internet, control over which movies to watch on mobile phones, which photos to see, care that boys and girls do not get together, care that the topic of love relationship is not discussed seriously in any public place, and also attempts to control the media. Not only is there little education about sexuality and efforts are made, but very few even go so far as to tell girls about menstruation and its dangers to both.
A participant shared his story, “My parents used to fight constantly over money and relatives. It still happens. So much so that in one of their quarrels, the mother even tried to burn herself in front of us. I don't think their sexual relationship should be good either. Father was out most of the day for work because my mother's boyfriend used to stay at home at night. I think father knew this too. While I was growing up seeing and accepting this relationship, my parents imposed many restrictions on me. Once, when the 10th exam was going on, the mother saw him talking to a boy who lived in the colony. My neighbor's uncle also saw us talking once and complained at home. That day, my mother beat me to death. My father also raised his hand. I even tried to commit suicide that day.”
Children who live in a society driven in the direction of morality, no sex, are never told that sex is a consensual, life-enhancing, life-enhancing, pleasurable and deeply loving act, so how can they think it is? The same goes for transgender, gender non-conforming, sex between people with different sexual orientations. Others are ignorant, curious, scornful, contemptuous of this. Oral sex or anal sex was till now considered a crime. So much ignorance, hatred and fear pervades the subject to this day.
It is right to be aware of responsibility, discretion, discernment in sexual relations. It is not the intention of this article that it does not need to be kept. We argue that moral rules are needed not only to oppress the individual, but to enable people to have a happy relationship without opposition. (Deciding whether to marry or not in the studies was difficult for about 30% of boys and girls.)
The real answer to the question of what sexual act is 'moral' rests with the consent given to the act, and only there. Any relationship entered into by two people with complete free will is moral. On the contrary, a relationship decided by one of them and imposed on the other is coercive (i.e. rape) even if it is after marriage.
(Relationships and Sexuality – A recent study by 'Youth in Transition' by Prayas health group spoke to 1240 young men and women about relationships and sexuality. The objective was to understand the changes.
