Reproduction is the root of living life. But it is difficult to look at it as a simple biological issue. We keep looking at him as if this biological thread of love, jealousy, competition, sexuality, happiness is broken. But it is strong in the structure of our body and mind. (Even in same-sex or heterosexual relationships where procreation is not desired or possible !) But our social makeup is constantly telling us how to control our emotions, how to control our attitudes! It keeps imposing the concepts of right and wrong on us. If you have to ask why, it is wrong to ask the question. How would a woman feel if a man (not currently her partner) asked her about having sex ? Most likely to feel insulted, angry? Afraid? It may even feel like sexual assault. Put another way: What if a woman (not currently partnered) asks a man about having sex?
Surprise? Excitement? Inwardly or outwardly happy? Doubts about that woman's character?
From a very neutral, biological point of view, is having sex in any way wrong?
Is it an abusive act? Is it a crime to do that?
So why these different reactions to asking?
This is due to social contexts that regulate sexuality differently for both men and women in a patriarchal system. There is nothing wrong with asking for sex. Asking for permission and simply accepting it when it is not given, there is nothing insulting or oppressive. In fact, this consent is the necessary agreement between two or more people before starting any sexual activity. This agreement should not be entered into under any duress, or manipulated by anyone and certainly not under the influence of alcohol or any drug. This consent must be voluntary. Voluntary and enthusiastic consent presupposes one's own willingness to participate in the sexual act. A person willingly says yes when he knows the meaning and consequences of the action and is free to say no; Only then does that consent have real meaning.
Consent is important for everyone, regardless of your gender or sexual orientation. Presuming male consent is also imposing it. We have words for double meaning about sex. It is said that almost every verb in Marathi can be used dually, but only one meaning can be used: 'Yes. Thank you.' or 'Don't. Thank you.' But we cannot give such simple answers, then there is no alternative to disaster. Not knowing how to ask, not knowing how to answer a question, and not knowing how to accept rejection. While the subject of 'consent' seems confusing, the real problem is this. Just as asking is not an insult, neither is refusing. It is a personal decision as much as asking. Not understanding rejection, not accepting and asking again and again is definitely a form of sexual harassment. It is the right of every person to refuse and no one has to answer the question of why. If that is the person's decision, that decision must be respected.
We have a habit of compulsive eating and drinking. It is customary to attend to others without asking from time to time. We also peek into each other's phones a lot. Even private letters do not fail to be read as soon as they fall into hand. Parents don't want to knock on the door when entering the children's room. Even after doing this, you claim that you love that person. We act like this because we care for her, we feel affection for her. On the one hand we don't want to pamper him too much, we give in to the urge and on the other hand when we want to say yes we can't even say yes straight away. When asked for tea and water, we say 'no-no' even though we want it. The practice of insistence continues. In fact, what's so guilty about getting the pleasure you want without harming someone else?
Eating heartily, wandering aimlessly, laughing loudly, hanging out on street corners, having sex with oneself or with others on initiative, consuming alcohol in moderation, enjoying entertainment without a companion, going to hotels for tea, sitting cross-legged on street benches, alone in public parks. Laying on the lawn, looking at people you find attractive in a way that doesn't bother the other person. If you ask most men, they find all these activities pleasurable. If you ask women, most of them say they don't like it, and most of the rest say they like it, but don't because it doesn't look good. In fact, women are seen to do so relatively rarely, because if they are seen doing it, there will be no one in the area without someone with the slightest hint of displeasure.
Treating women's pleasure as a thriller is also a form of social control. In all this confusion, the question keeps coming up, what do I really want or not? Almost all the movies that have claimed the power to teach us about sexuality – and we've happily surrendered that power – tell us that a man should ask, a man should handle, a man should pay. Then the woman will say, kisi aur tarah se khete, odda ghuma firake khete to achcha hota. When a woman asks, she will first say no and finally yes! Even so, there is no thought of giving much value to what she says. But all of us, of all genders, need to learn to feel, say and hear 'yes, no, maybe, mostly', because it's all a matter of being conscious. Apart from this, valuing the physical, mental and sexual health of you and your partner is also a sign of thoughtfulness.
Related circles:
Sexual Assault and 'Victim Blaming'…
A hidden face… of sexual abuse!
Sex without consent is sexual violence. Consent can be withdrawn at any time. The moment consent is withdrawn, the sexual act must stop. After that it is necessary to ask again before starting any other action. Wherever there is ambiguity or doubt as to willingness and consent, communication must be done in clear terms to avoid sexual violence. No means no, the other side of this coin is to say yes directly through clear words or gestures. Any response to a person's dress, their drinking or a smile or a nod to come home alone is no reason to be taken as consent to any action other than that, nor is marriage or long-term cohabitation consensual.
The question of who gives consent is equally important. The age of consent in India is set at eighteen by law. The law says that even if a person under the age of eighteen years – i.e. a child – consents to an adult performing a sexual act, it cannot be consenting. It is for this reason that we are denied not just sexual consent, but many things before that age such as driving, voting, establishing a presence on social media.
Adults are more likely to take advantage of children through factors such as power, age, social status, etc. But it is not correct to take this to mean that a person does not have sexual feelings until the age of eighteen. Children have every right to fall in love, to interpret sexuality with their friends. It is not only natural, but necessary for consciousness. Enlightenment is not something that happens overnight on some eighteenth birthday. But it is necessary for the parents and the people around to pay attention to whether there is any exploitation or against the children's will, whether the adults are involved in it or not.
Sexuality education is not just about giving scientific information about sex. Encouraging children's curiosity, allowing them to express that curiosity with peers their age, communicating openly with them about it and consent is not just about sexual activity, they can say yes when they say yes, say no when they say no, be confused when they are confused. Sound sex education is all about showing every adult around you in every action that it can be expressed and accepted with respect and love. Beating children, corporal punishment are also things that disrupt their physical-psychological and alternatively sexual autonomy, confusing them about the issue of consent. By killing children's sexual curiosity, we are cultivating sick minds, not healthy societies. This is an important reason behind interpersonal alienation, unhealthy relationships, increasing need for mental health institutions.
'A morally right action is an action done in mutual consent. Coercion, coercion means improper action'. While teaching morality to boys and girls, it is necessary to tell the foundation of morality. It is not a moral offense for a girl to become pregnant before the age of eighteen. The danger in it is that it can only be harmful to her health. So legally it is a crime. For that and to prevent sexually transmitted diseases, it is necessary to give proper information to boys and girls. As long as the industry of killing children's sexual energy goes on, sexual crimes and sexual jealousy will continue to increase. The tendency to scratch and get what is not available will increase and violence itself will be seen to increase. Although children do not have the right to give and receive sexual consent, it is the age to develop an awareness of consent, pleasure, easy communication, their own rights, and the way to build healthy relationships and safe environments.
(Relationships and Sexuality – A recent study by 'Youth in Transition' by Prayas health group spoke to 1240 young men and women about relationships and sexuality. The objective was to understand the changes.
